Her Bible was pulled out from the spot it was placed for safe keeping and brought to the table. This particular Bible was a gift from Hoss' sweet mother, Cheryl back in 1965. Her hand written note of love inside the cover still speaks volumes of the love & special bond the two of them shared. I have see that note probably 15 times since Grunt passed in 2009. What I had not seen before tonight was the writing a little further in the Bible on another page. I don't know why I had never seen it. I have held that Bible so many times over the years and carefully turned its fragile, time worn pages with reverence. Reverence for not only the Holy Word encased inside the leather binding but for the woman whose hands opened it so many times for answers to her problems. She is why that Bible is falling apart and I loved her for that.
Tonight, I found her aging handwriting strung together in a prayer to her Lord. She wrote this prayer as an older woman. A woman who had been through so much pain in life. She had buried her husband, she had buried her daughter (Hoss' mother), she had seen so many people come and go. It cannot have been easy to be last. That pain made her bitter at times. But how could we possibly blame her for that. Pain is cruel and it changes you. But, even in those moments, she wanted so much to not be what came easy to her. She wanted to be better.
Tonight, I read her prayer and it reduced me to tears.
Now, I do not know these words are hers originally but my heart knows they are hers wholly. As a read her prayer, I saw her. I saw her heart, so open, so honest, struggling to be who she wanted to be in spite of who she was. I also saw myself.
She and I were a lot alike. Both hot headed & stubborn. Both fierce when it comes to our family. Both loved Hoss more than anything. We had a great relationship until the dementia turned her away from us. It was heartbreaking then, it still hurts today. Dementia robbed her of herself. It robbed us of her. The last few years were rough for us all. I can promise you we would do every minute over again for another day with her though. I would not trade anything for the memories we have from being there with her all the time. She was a one of a kind and we miss her so.
Tonight, Grunt gave me one last gift. She gave me a little piece of her to recall in those times of struggle. She reminded me of who I can be even when the temptation of self is strong. I am writing this prayer in my Bible because while it was her prayer, it has become mine. Who knows, someday my granddaughter may find herself in the writing of this prayer in my Bible.
Thank you Granny Grunt, your "vast wisdom" lives on. But you already knew that, didn't you? May I follow your lead and work hard to be better than myself.
Here is her earnest prayer, word for word:
"Lord thou knowest that I am growing older. Keep me from becoming talkative and possessed with the idea that I must express myself on every subject.
Release me from the craving to straighten out everyone's affairs. Keep me from the recital of endless detail. Give me the wings to get to the point.
Seal my lips when I am inclined to tell of my aches and pains; they are increasing with the years and my love of speaking of them grows sweeter as time goes by.
Teach me the glorious lesson that occasionally I may be wrong.
Make me thoughtful but not nosey, helpful but not bossy. With my vast wisdom and experience it does seem a pity not to use it all .
But thou knowest Lord that I want a few friends at the end."
