Just when you least expect it, something so tiny & long since forgotten makes your eyes start leaking tears.
Now I didn't not know Hoss' sweet mother Cheryl, but she has been here all these years in little ways.
Subtle, gentle reminders of her love for her family. In the recipes she passed on in her cookbooks, the China we eat holiday meals on, in the funny stories from her old friends who still think of her often, the twinkle in my husband's eyes when he laughs, the love in him for his family, that's all her. Always her.
Today while going through boxes that have been in storage for ages, I found these two pieces.
My thoughts went to her immediately and how I would hand these down to our coming granddaughter, Cher. Then my mind went to how much I know she would have loved being here to see her 1st great grand baby come into the world in October, who will be named Cheryl Lynn, after myself and my mother in law. Then my heart just broke. It broke for her.
Cheryl was a blessing for everyone who knew her. She had to be the way people still speak so lovingly of her after 20 years. I've no doubt she left this world and went to Heaven but I still hurt for her. I hurt that she missed out on seeing her son happy and loved, on seeing our children grow into strong young people who, while drive us crazy some days, make us so proud. I'm sure she'd laugh at Hoss when he gets frustrated with them, reminding him of the things he put her through.
I hurt for all the joy she missed. The moments with the kids she never got to experience. And now, she not here to claim her title as Great Grandma to baby Cheryl and those who, Lord willing, will come later. Now that I am going to be the Grandmother in this family, I can see how painful the knowledge that she would miss these things must have been for her.
I don't know for sure what kind of Mawmaw I will be. I pray I am the grandmother I was blessed with and one like I have no doubt my mother in law would have been. I pray my grand babies will beg to be with us. I pray they will remember when us with love when we are gone. Mostly, I just pray Hoss and I are there to see them to adulthood. I prayed to see my children grow and now I find myself asking God for much more.
Funny how a tiny little girl waving hello from an ultrasound can totally change what you want out of life. She's my world and she isn't even here yet.
As I hang onto a necklace and an ID bracelet a little while longer, so my baby's baby can have them when she's older, I will be thinking of my mother in law. I hope I will be the Grandmother she wanted to be.
Most importantly Cheryl, I promise your great granddaughter will know the amazing woman whose name she carries. Your son and I will make certain of that.
Sandy
