Little Black Band

Take a look at this picture. That's my fingers, a strip of black elastic, a needle and some thread. I'm sure you think I have some new craft project up my sleeve. You'd be wrong.

 

This simple piece of elastic means so much more than meets the eye . It is in fact a glimpse into a deep seated tradition. A tradition carried, out time and time again in the fire service.  Why do I show you this picture? Because this past week, we had to bring this tradition to the forefront as we laid to rest one of our own. You see, my husband's Chief with the Winnsboro FD passed away last Sunday morning. 

Chief Hutto had been sick for months but I don't think anyone really thought he would leave so soon. I guess you always think there is more time. Time to do what needs doing, say what needs saying but sometimes it just doesn't go the way you plan. He left behind 6 grown daughters, a wife, a huge family and so many friends that the church was nearly standing room only at his service. Willard was so well known, people came from all over the state to pay their respects and it was a real testament to his life. 

Admittedly, I did not know Chief Hutto all that well.  We did not socialize and hang out with him or his family but there was still a bond there. A bond that all firemen and their families share. It's hard to explain that bond to those who have never lived this life.

 Police officers understand it. Soldiers understand it. Have you ever noticed people looking at others in the mall, the grocery store, and they just nod at each other as they walk by?  You know they don't know each other but it almost seems like they do? It seems odd to the outside world but they do in fact know each other. One may wear a Vietnam Vet hat and the other a Operation Iraqi Freedom one. One wears a fire department t shirt while the other sports a SWAT shirt. You see it in their eyes if you look hard enough.

 Each one knows the other as well as they know themselves. They know the struggles, the pain, the heartbreak the other has seen and lived through. They know what is yet to come. That old vet sees his buddies that are now names on a wall in that young soldier's face, knowing he has no clue just what he signed up for. The cop sees the rookie she once was before the abused women and kids, the drivers who had too much to drink and the insults hurdled at her for wearing a badge became what keeps her up a night, making it hard to sleep soundly. The fireman sees the probie, so full of enthusiasm not realizing it fades so fast as the calls start to run together and you discover you can't save everyone, no matter how badly you want to.

There may be different colored lines but the black in that piece of elastic in my fingers represents that bond. That little piece of elastic is placed around a badge as a symbol of mourning but also one of endurance and hope. Every time one of these black bands is lovingly put into use, it is a sign to the rest of those who serve that we lost one of our own. It is a sign that we will protect their memory and honor them by carrying on. Death will never stop those who serve from rising up and continuing on. It just doesn't have that kind of power. That little black band is very nearly the strongest bond on Earth, second only perhaps to a parents love for their child or God's love for us.

As a fireman's wife, funerals of lost brothers are harder than most. My mind goes places it shouldn't when I stand silently by my husband's side as Last Call is sounded, the bell rings out and Taps plays, fighting to hold it together, to be strong for him. While I pray daily he is a crabby old man when that day comes, I know someday that same sea of uniforms, loved ones and badges wrapped in black bands will be for my love. I also know that the bond that holds us now as a fire family will be there to catch us and hold us tight if God forbid the worst happens. 

As you go about your week, say a prayer for the Hutto family. Losing a loved one is never easy. Pray for the Winnsboro FD as they pick up their gear, get in the trucks and go about being silent heroes to an unseeing world. All the while, trying to heal their broken hearts. Rest easy Chief Hutto, your men have it from here. 

#proudfirefamily

New Job, New Town, New Adventure.

  Wow has it been a while since I blogged anything or what? I am not expressly sure just how time has slipped by so quickly but it certainly has. So much has happened in the life of the Anders Herd over the last few months. Big changes are coming for us but we are ready.

  Hoss applied for a Chief's position in the small town of Ball, La. He applied, met the requirements, and got the job. My love is now officially the Fire Chief of the Ball Fire Department! I could not be prouder!!! He is such a dedicated fireman. He eat, sleeps & breaths the fire service. It is just who he is. If the town gives him a fair chance, they will be so happy with him as their Chief. Change is hard, its harder when you refuse to even try so please pray for the folks in Ball. Some are really having a hard time with the changes and are going way beyond the norm to cause issues where, in reality, there are none. 

  This new job means unfortunately, that a move is in our near future. We are having a hard time finding a rental due to restrictions on how far away from the town line we can live. Rent is insanely high, I'm talking $1000 a month for a 1960's FHA house! Not sure how its going to work out but I do know that we haven't been carried this far to be put down now. God will provide us with the right place in his time, of that I am certain. The packing has started in Faith that He has us something just around the corner!

  We have another daughter set to graduate in June, the boy turns 16 in a week and our 2nd daughter is engaged to be married. I used to joke about how neat it was they were all a year apart and how they would all leave home quickly. Its easy to joke when they are 8, 10, 11, 12, & 13 and you do 35 loads of laundry a week. You are just tired and need a break but then you look up and your job as full time Mom is nearly over.

  What I wouldn't give to go back to those days of ball games & sleep overs. Days of colds that seemed to just recycle through the house over and over, and the chicken pox...oh dear Lord the chicken pox! Dinner every night, yes we ate at the table every night as a family. We said Grace and some of our best memories and inside jokes have come from countless meals around the table, (yellow rice). I miss searching for "Woofy", assigned seats in the old Suburban so they couldn't fight over who sat where last time, so many shoes by the front door you've thought it was a thrift store shoe rack. So many things you don't even think about missing until they are gone. Kids make you crazy. They give you mini-heart attacks on a regular basis and where do you think grey hairs come from? It's crazy being a mom. Its even crazier to discover that all of those things are what you end up missing the most.  

  All you moms going through the trenches today, I know its tough. I know its thankless most of the time, but I can wholeheartedly promise you that every single solitary moment, both good and bad, is worth it. I have been a mother more than half my life and I don't know how to be anything else. They made not need me to patch skinned knees, find lost toys and cheer at band half-time shows anymore but I am still their Mom. Their needs have changed but I haven't and that's okay. While its a little sad that this part of my life is winding down, I am excited to see what's coming next. 

  Pray for our family in the months to come. Lots of changes, lots of new adventures await the entire Anders Herd and we are ready! 


  I'll leave you with some pics from the last few months. Just the highlight reel, right?

 Our Christmas Card 

Oh I've Got A Christmas Card For You!!!

Today as I entered my local Post Office to mail off some paperwork for Hoss, I was greeted by my friendly Postman. Nice fella, always helpful, but today he inquired if I needed stamps for my Christmas cards that I send out every year. He commented on how I normally have a stack of them to go out. I informed him I was not, you read that right, I was not sending cards this year. He said, "well I'm sure some folks will be disappointed. People love Christmas cards!" I just shrugged, thanked him and walked to my truck. 

In the days since Thanksgiving ( all 7 of them) , I have had 3 separate phone calls where I have been asked why the person on the other end hasn't received a card from me yet. Well, I have thought about this and have complied a small list to help everyone understand why there will be no cards this year. (like I should even have to explain) Here is that list:

1. Every year I include a picture of my beautiful family. Every Year. However, this year I seem to be unable to wrangle all 5 of my children & my husband long enough to get a single group picture. Last years card had the only picture of my kids together I managed to snag all year on it. I am thinking this trend will likely continue as they are all growing and have their own things to do and places to be. As much as I am sure 6th cousin, Sally Mae would love to see how they have changed in the 12 months since the last picture, it just ain't gonna happen.  Am I thrilled by this development? No but it is what its.  Kids grow up, they move on, life continues even if we never get another family picture for a card! It's the Circle of Life people, haven't you seen the Lion King?
2. Postage is insane and my cards always cost a little more than just a regular stamp. I have tried in the past to send out the generic cards in an effort to save some money. All that got me was call after call after call from people complaining because it wasn't my "normal" card. Lets not even talk about the cost of the actual cards themselves because they are not cheap either.
3. I'm sorry if people are under the impression that we must not like them anymore because they don't get a Christmas card. This phenomenon perplexs me greatly. Folks get seriously wigged out if one year they don't get a card. They call and act like some major injustice has been leveled against them. Never mind the fact that we haven't seen a card from them since, oh I don't know, 2004? I sent out nearly 60 cards last year that I put a lot of time and thought into. We got a grand total of 7 Christmas cards from others last year. Do the math, I sent out roughly 8x more cards than we received. 

Please understand, I love, love, love getting Christmas cards in the mail this time of year but I have realized that its yet another thing that is dying off. In our culture of instant gratification, spending time on something like a Christmas card is just too much to expect of people. We all want it but not if it means we have to make an effort on our end. 

It's sad and it hurts my heart to not be sending cards this year. I cannot recall a year I have not sent a card. When I was little, I would "help" my Grandma and she would let me send my own out to our family. I miss those days and maybe that why I have tried so hard to hang onto this one thing for so long. It's time to let it go though. I am spending money we don't have to spare on something no one but me seems to care enough about to make happen.

So,Mr. Nice Postman, to answer your question, no, I will not be needing any extra postage this year.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DR. SALK!!!!!!!!!

As I logged onto the interwebs this morning, I discovered Google has changed its logo to honor the late Dr. Jonas Salk. It looks like this:

This simple little cartoon sure made me smile this morning. Without the work of Dr. Jonas Salk, I would likely not be here. Lots of people would not be here for that matter! You see, Dr. Salk invented a vaccine to fight Polio in 1955.

Polio (poliomyelitis) is caused by a virus that is spread through person to person contact. It attacks the nervous system and in a matter of hours can cause paralysis that is irreversible. Most people who are infected show no symptoms and are often misdiagnosed. Symptoms include fever, fatigue, headaches, vomiting, limb pain & paralysis. 

  The milder cases are often just thought to be the flu. It is possible to be totally symptom free yet be able to spread the virus. Leg paralysis is most common however more severe cases can have brain stem paralysis which causes breathing difficulties as well as issues swallowing and speaking. About 10% of deaths are due to not being able to breath once the diaphragm becomes paralyzed. 

Polio is still alive and well in our world. It remains an epidemic in Afghanistan, Nigeria, & Pakistan. As long as a single person is infected with polio, the entire world is at risk. The polio virus can easily be carried into a polio free country and can spread like wildfire to those not immunized against it.  

The last known case of polio in the United States was in 1991 and now days, people just aren't taught about it the way previous generations were. So many people died from this virus and many more are still living with the after affects, now known as Post Polio Syndrome but its just glossed over in the books as some "past issue". 

I probably know more than most people my age about Polio because my mother had Polio as a child and it has been a rather prevalent topic of discussion my entire life.  I have been to countless doctor visits with my mom, support group meeting for people with Post Polio Syndrome and have watched her steady decline as long as I can remember.

PPS is a further weakening of muscles that were affected by the polio virus. Common symptoms include slowly progressive muscle weakness, fatigue & muscular atrophy. Pain from joint deterioration & scoliosis are common as well. 

Most people have never heard of Post Polio Syndrome. Even now, most doctors are just now becoming aware this exists. Not everyone who contacted Polio will suffer form PPS but so many do. Doctors who had no knowledge of this often misdiagnosed patients with Multiple Sclerosis. MS affects the nervous system and so the doctors just made the link to it because so many of the symptoms were the same.

 Hoss grandfather, Jess, had polio and suffered greatly as an adult. The doctors just didn't know what he had so they called it MS (pretty common practice in the late 70's & early 80's). With all the advancements in medicine today, I would be willing to bet he would be correctly diagnosed with PPS now. It just fits his condition so much better, it makes perfect sense. 

I like to think Dr. Salk understood the magnitude of his vaccine. How could he not? As a parent, he knew all too well the fear that Polio brought with it. Dr. Salk did so much more than save lives, he brought relief from that fear to millions of parents worldwide. 

Dr. Salk never tried to patent his vaccine. When asked he said, "There is no patent. Can you patent the sun?" As far as he was concerned the vaccine belonged to the people, not one person or country for that matter. His vaccine has changed entire nations and made the world a little less scary for us all.

Happy 100th Birthday, Dr. Jonas Salk! My family thanks you for all you did!

  

Thank you Panera Bread!

While on vacation with Hoss, we took a run over to Pensacola Beach. We stopped for a lunch at a Panera Bread restaurant some where along the way. Having never been to a Panera before, I took a relatively safe chance on their BBQ chicken pita and a bowl of cream of chicken with wild rice soup. I was not disappointed! It was so good, naturally I had to try and make it once we got home.  I found a few recipes online that looked promising but needed a little tweaking so I got to work. This is what I ended up with!

Crock Pot Cream of Chicken & Wild Rice Soup

4 1/2 cups chicken broth 

2 cups water

1 package Rice-a-Roni Long Grain & Wild Rice (including the season packet)

1 cup chopped carrots 

1 cup chopped celery

1 cup chopped onions

1 tsp minced garlic

1/2 tsp. dried basil

2 boneless skinless chicken breasts

1/2 cup flour

1/2 cup butter

1 tsp black pepper

2 cups half and half

In a large crock pot, mix the first 9 ingredients, stirring to combine. Cook on low for 7 to 8 hours or on high 4 to 5 hours. 

After cooking according to the time allotted, remove the chicken breasts and shred them with a fork and return to the crock pot. 

In a small sauce pan, melt the butter. Whisk the flour into the butter and then slowly stir in the half & half until well combined and smooth. Add pepper. 

Pour the cream mixture into the crock pot and mix well. Cook on high for about 15 more minutes.

Here is a shot of the yummy goodness you will end up with! Prepare to eat way too much!

A few notes on this recipe, for the chicken broth I use this: 

It is instant chicken bouillon and it is really cheap! A little goes a long way, just follow the instructions for making broth and use it instead.

I also use this for the veggies: 

I would use 2 bag just if you wanted a nice healthy amount of veggies, 1 bag if you don't. 

Oh and if you don't have half & half, just use half milk & half whipping cream.

Let me know what ya think of this recipe, we loved it!

Good Guys Finish Last

We all know the old saying, "good guys finish last". Have you noticed people say this a lot when things don't favor the "good" guy? Not exactly sure where this started but I'm going to bet it wasn't a good guy who coined it. It is said with pity and is not meant as a compliment. This confuses me. 

Why is the fact that good guys finish last a bad thing?  We throw this phrase around with a tone of resentment and resignation, like being a good guy is a bad thing because you will never be first or as important as the "other" guy. You will never have the prime spot on the team or the job with the six figure income, all because you are a good guy and "good guys finish last". 

Let think about this for a minute or two. Our society does seem to reward those "other" guys. We all know them. They seem to be the ones who have it all.  The ones who will just as soon stab you in back as look at you to get what they want. The ones who skirt their responsibilities at every turn, leaving their jobs for others to do, yet once finished they scoop in to take the credit. Let something go wrong though and they are the first to throw the you under the Greyhound.  The ones who will say one thing but when pressed deny ever opening their mouths, leaving you to look like the Lone Ranger without Tonto much less Silver.  They seem to have sold their souls to get where they are cause they sure act like being ahead is more important than doing what's right.

These types of people always seem to come in first in life and at an initial glance, it seem so very unfair. I am here to tell you that is just simply not true. As someone who has watched her husband always be the good guy no matter who is watching or what the situation is, I can tell you it gets really old seeing him get kicked in the teeth time and time again. I have asked on more than one occasion why he just can't catch a break but then it occurred to me.

My Hoss is a Good Guy. He will always finish last. He will always be cleaning up someone else's mess, always helping someone who does not appreciate it, always taking crap for someone else's problems, and always giving when it is a hardship for him. It's just who he is and he is not alone. The world is just full good guys and for that fact I am so thankful! 

Being a good guy is not a bad thing. Its the most wonderful title in the world if you ask me. Know why? Because it means you win. Not matter what life throws at you, you win. It may seem that you spend your life coming in second to people are less than honorable but the real truth is that you aren't last, you finish it.  They burn out and are forgotten but you endure. You finish.

No matter what it is, you finish it. That is something to be in awe of. Life keeps throwing you to the ground but you just keep getting up and you keep going until you finish whatever it is that someone else started. Oh, they run ahead and leave destruction behind them but you come along and you fix the wake they caused. You fix the mess they leave as they hastily run through never thinking about who they step on in the process. You pick up the people they cast aside as they use them for stepping stones to the top. You pieced back together the broken parts. You are there to speak the truth when they tell lies or keep silent when they should have said something. You are the one who fixes it all. You do what they are not capable of doing. You finish.

I am reminded of this other Good Guy. He lived a long time ago, and he just never caught what the world considers "a break" but He was perfect. The Ultimate Good Guy. He came to cleaned up an entire world's worth of mess and what did he get for his trouble? Crucified, literally. He was hung on a cross and gave His life for people who did not deserve it. Like I said, the Ultimate Good Guy. 

He finished what the world started. Jesus didn't make the mess but He cleaned it up. There is nothing else to say except that while the other guys think they won that day, the simple truth is, they didn't. They don't win, ever.  Sadly, the same battle keeps playing out day after day in small ways all over the world. In homes, in churches, at work, at the store, everywhere. Satan can battle all he wants, in the End, God finishes and He wins. 

So the next time someone looks at you with raised eyebrows, shrugs their shoulders and says with a hint of sarcasm in their voice, "Well, you know what they say..Good guys finish last!" Just raise your head, spread a smile from one ear to the other and proclaim proudly "Yes They Do!" Be proud to be a Good Guy, you are in some amazing company!

9 Years Just Isn't Enough...........A little story about a little girl.

You see this little sawed off piece of spunk and spitfire?

 This is the way I met my middle child Erin. She was barely 9 at the time, being raised solely by her Daddy along with her older sister, Jessica. Though its hard to see in this picture, the day I met her she had a skinned knee, a smirk on her face & those pigtails you see where my doing to try and gain some ground on her unruly hair. She was the living embodiment of the term "tomboy"! She was a Daddy's girl if ever one lived but she was also yearning for something else. She wanted a Mom. 

Erin used to ask women in the grocery store if they were single cause her Daddy needed a new wife and she needed a new mom. Yeah, poor Hoss. They meant well but its hard to explain to young kids that you can't just pick out a new mom at the store!

I knew Erin all of 3 days when she asked me, while floating in a lake, if she could call me Mom. I was thrown off guard at first and didn't really know what to say to her. I didn't want to upset her but it was definitely too soon to know of things were going to work out with her Daddy or not. I just told her that Ms. Sandy was good for now but that I sure thought she was a great kid. And man was she! 

She was just so hungry for a real mom, God love her. Hoss was and still is a great Dad and the girls were so blessed to have him step up and carry that weight alone all those years but she still wanted what every little girl wants. A mom of her own. 

Erin was so ready to have someone help her pick out clothes and braid her hair. Someone to read her stories (Llama Llama Red Pajama!). Someone who would let her sneak in the bed with them at night for no real reason other than to snuggle. Someone who helped her with homework and made dinner for her whole family to enjoy around the table every night. Someone to remind her not to scratch when she had a horrible case of chicken pox and someone who was at every assembly and awards show beaming with pride. Someone to be there for first dances, first loves and first heartbreaks. The funny thing is, yes, she needed me but I needed her too.

You see, I already had 3 kids of my own when I took on the job of  Mother to Jessica and Erin. I chose them when I married their Dad. (A fact Erin likes to be sure the other children never forget! I CHOSE her, I got stuck with them! LOL)  I chose to be the mom they both deserved and wanted. A choice I have never once regretted nor will I ever.

 It has not always been a smooth road. There have been a lot of someone else mistakes I have had to clean up and help them deal with but they rose above it. Both my girls have grown so much over these years and I just love them so! They have helped me to be a better mother than I ever dared dream I would be. They have shown me a capacity for love that I just didn't know existed. We don't need a piece of paper to know I am their Momma. They may not have my blood in their veins but they carry my heart with them where ever they go and they know that. That's all that matters at the end of the day after all isn't it? Blood may be thicker than water but LOVE is thicker than blood!

Today, I had to let my Erin go. Now I know its not forever, its just to college, but tonight it feel so empty without her here. I can't bare to even look in her and Sarah' room because I know her stuff is gone and so is she. She just lights up this house with her smiles and her infectious laughter. So much like her Daddy it's scary but enough like me to be hilarious! I am missing my sarcastic partner in crime as I type this. She has already called me 3 times since we left her at La Tech this afternoon but its just not the same. I'm sure as she adjusts to campus life, those calls will get fewer and fewer. It just happens that way. 

I don't feel I have had enough time to be her Momma. She is off in the world on her own now and I am here wondering where the years have gone once again. So many things left to tell her, to teach her, to make sure she knows. I can only hope she carries the lessons and values her Dad & I have taught her with her wherever life takes her. She knows I love her, she knows I will always be there, I will never leave her. Even if she needs to move on and start her life, I will be here, waiting just in case she needs her Momma. Just in case.

Look out world, here comes my girl!!! Hope you're ready cause she's something else!!

 Momma loves you Bob, go get 'em Baby!

PS. Daddy loves you too. 

   

High School Never Ends, Or Does It?

Got an invitation to my 20th high school reunion a few days ago on Facebook and I have to tell you it threw me. The class that invited me was my class but I moved during high school so I did not technically graduate with that set of kids (went through elementary, jr high and most of high school) but thanks to Facebook, I was included in the invitations and that made me smile. It also made me think. It made me think about my high school experience and how miserable I was back then.

I spent this last weekend with Hoss and our friend, Bryan and it was wonderful listening to them catch up. They had that great high school experience that so many do. Glory Days by Bruce Springsteen comes to mind every time they are together. Heck, when Hoss and any of his old friends are together its like that. I am happy for them that they can recall so many fond memories and crazy things they did (and probably shouldn't have). I however do not have those memories.

You see, jr/high school was a nightmare for me. One of the worst times of my life. My home life was far worse than anyone could have imagined. What ever hell I was given at school was nothing compared to what I went through at home but no one ever stopped to notice. I was picked on mercilessly because I was different. I did not fit into the preppy, popular mold that was so prevalent at the school to say the least. I was tormented for my clothes by kids who had no idea that I only had 3 pair of pants to my name. Once, My Grandmother bought me some new La Gear high tops to start school with and I was made fun of for my "generic" shoes but the funny thing was by the end of the school year, everyone wore La Gear shoes and I was then being made fun of for my ragged shoes, "trying to fit in". Funny cause I was wearing them 1st. I could not catch a break. 

I was teased constantly because of my hair. It had a mind of its own and my mother forced me to get these horrible hair cuts that only made it worse. I never had anyone to teach me how to style my hair, wear make up, none of those things. To this day, I don't wear makeup. I have no idea where to start so I just have never used it. Those kids who tormented me had no idea that I did not have a mom or a sister like they did to show them these things, they just made fun of me because I was different. 

My solitude was Band. I had a wonderful director named Mr. Wayne Childers.  He was the only teacher who saw past the anger and the misfit. He saw me. He even went to battle with a certain teacher over her daughters treatment of me in Band. I didn't even have her as a teacher but she was horrible to me and so was her daughter. Why you ask? Because they could be. No one would stop it. Even when there was witnesses to things, it was always my fault. Just because I was different. Mr. Childers was that one person at the school that I felt like cared. He got me through some bad, bad days. He encouraged me and told me I was better than I thought, better than I was told I was. I will forever be thankful for him, cigarette smoke, chest high pants and all. 

 While I am a strong, confident adult these days, somewhere inside that scared teenage still lives and she just has no desire to see those people who hurt her all those years ago.  It's hard to let go of hurt, it just is. I tell myself that we are all adults now and that was a long time ago and most days I believe that. I know they did not understand, with their teenage brains, what kind of hurt they inflicted on others. I know that, I really do. I am just not sure I want to see those people and I know they will be there. I must admit, I am still on the fence about attending the reunion for that reason.

I was such an angry kid. I was tormented every minute, at home and at school. I hated school. I hated my classmates. They were horrible to me. They were horrible to others just like me. They just never let up. I did have a little group of friends, who like me were different. We were our own little Isle of Misfit Toys. I am still in contact with those people. They know who they are and they know if they ever need me, I am there. The rest of the school? What happened to them?

Well, I'll tell you. The Bowling For Soup song, High School Never Ends is so fitting for some of those kids. Some of those kids grew up into adult versions of their high school personalities. They are still cutting down those who are different, those who in their opinion have less than they do. They are the same sad kids they were 20 years ago. I feel bad for them. The rest of us grew up. Must be sad to be forever 16. To be forever concerned with status and possessions to the point that you are willing to belittle people to make yourself feel good. No one thinks you are all that, we see you for what you are, which is sad.  

Some of those kids who were not my friend in school are now. They have grown into such beautiful people. 20 years ago had you asked me if I would even be speaking to some of them I would have laughed at you and called you crazy. I'm not laugh now though. Those classmates who got out in the world and realize there was so much more to it than eel skin purses and Swatch watches have just become the sweetest adults. Life has taught them some important lessons. Now, if they see someone being treated like I was, they are all over it and they have raised their children to be better. That makes the awkward, abused, neglected kid I used to be so very happy. It gives you hope, you know? It really does and to them I say, thank you.

Life has a way of changing you. Some times for the good and some times not. While I cannot change my childhood, I can choose to move on from it and I think I have. Its just once in awhile, something like this brings it all back and forces me to deal with it all one more time. 

 To those who read this and wonder if you were one of the ones who tormented me, odds are yes, you were. Understand that I forgive the child you were and only ask that you be a better adult. Most of you already have and that goes a long way in healing old wounds. WHS Class of 1994, I don't know if I will be at the reunion or not.  I may get uninvited after this post, who knows? Odds are I will come. I will come if for no other reason than to show that I survived and life is indeed good.

Happiness is.....

I have been really struggling with happiness this week. Others seem intent on messing with my happiness. People who are so unhappy and miserable that they cannot stand to see others enjoying life and having the happiness they so lack, so they invent way to cause trouble. Some of those people will likely read this and they know who they are, no need for me to point them out. I know, my husband knows, they know and more importantly, God knows who they are and He will deal with them in His own time, of that I am certain.

Tonight, I was here in my office attempting to blog and while I am normally full of things to say, I found myself unable to write a thing. I was so consumed with frustration and anger over the weeks events that I just couldn't make a coherent paragraph to save my life. Then it happened.

I was singing along to some Billy Joel and I had it kind of loud I suppose. I was seated, fingers at the keyboard, when I hear this voice behind me. I turned to find my 14 year old son, singing along with me and Billy Joel to "Movin' Out". He had come in the office at some point, never said a word to me, just sat on the red stool that sits behind me to my left and just sat with me, singing along. This went on for a few songs, then a song that I used to sing to him as a little guy, "Godspeed" by the Dixie Chicks came on, and while he didn't remember the song at first, he sat and listened as I sang it to him one more time. I told him how he used to ask every night for "Pajamas on the couch, Mama!" (one of the lines from the song) and how I would sing it and tuck him in his bed. He just laid his curly head onto my shoulder and smiled at me. For a small moment I saw my precious little boy again. It was Heaven.

We sat for the next hour or so digging through my old Cd's and listening to songs that I had no idea he had even heard of let alone knew. We sang everything from The Lumineers & Adele to Merle Haggard & Huey Lewis & the News. At one point he grabbed a Jim Croce cd and said "Hey that's mine! I wondered where it went!" Song after song, we sang and I told him about this one and that one. How this was my favorite at his age, or how that one was special because of the memory it brought back. And he just listened and sang along with his 'ol Mom. It's like he knew I needed a friend tonight.

After a while, he decided he was ready for bed and those long, lanky teenage legs stood up to tower over me. He stretched, took my Huey Lewis & the News Cd and started out of the room. He stopped, came back, hugged me, said "Love You" and was gone to bed. And just like that, a weeks worth of crap was just gone. Like it never happened.

The dictionary on our shelf in my office defines happiness as the quality or state of being happy; pleasure; contentment; joy.

Tonight, through one sweet 14 year old boy with curly brown hair and freckles, I found my happiness. I remembered why I get up every day, why I do the things I do. I do it for moments like this. Moments like this make the best memories. Moments like that make this life so wonderful. I live for these moments with my family. The family that Hoss and I have worked so hard to build. We have something special and I know it. 

I was reminded that others do not control my happiness, I do. I will always remember tonight, long after it fades in my son's mind. He has no idea how he saved me tonight, how his thoughtfulness touched my heart. He will never know what tonight meant to me.

Tonight I remembered why I should be happy. I should be happy because I am so blessed. I have the most wonderful children you could ask for. I have a husband who loves me like no other. I have family, mostly adopted but some blood related, that love me and will always be there for us. And friends, oh the wonderful friends we have! But mostly, I should be happy because God gave me this chance to have the life I did not have as a child and He loved me so.  And I am happy! For all those things and so much more!

To those who try and tear me down, I am so sorry you are so unhappy that you have to try and cause trouble for those of us who have what you do not. You can have it too. His name is Jesus. Call me, I will tell you all about Him. He's the greatest. 

Goodnight everyone, may your life be a happy one.

Love,

Sandy

This child has a little too much of his late Uncle Charlie in him

for his own good!! But I sure love him!!

A Little Story of Unconditonal Love...My Story

When I was 10 I moved with my family into a new neighborhood, started a new school, made a new friend. Her name was (and still is) Elisabeth Thompson. (Spelled with an "S", not a "Z"!!) We became fast friends. Elisabeth was from a Pentecostal family. I came from a mother who flitted from one religion to another most of my younger years, then resigned to nothing after she married her last husband.

Elisabeth and her sister Janice, wore long skirts, even to swim in. Long sleeve shirts in the Summer. Their hair, dark and thick, so long they could sit on it, had never been touched by a pair of scissors. They did not have a Christmas Tree growing but but did celebrate the birth of Christ and the Christmas Season. Elisabeth didn't dance, didn't have a Tv, and read Archie comics like they were great literature. (Who knows, maybe they are?)

Elisabeth had parents who were married and to this day are still married. Her mom, oh her mom, Sandy, has this smile and warmth to her that I have never seen in anyone else. She is just the sweetest lady you could ever hope to know. (Bakes a mean cheesecake too, by the way!) Sandy was always so kind to everyone. That being said, I have seen her mad a time or two. Like the time we told Janice (the little sister of Elisabeth) that if she cut her Barbie's hair, it would grow back or the time we stayed out past dark (pre-cell phone era here people, had to be home by the streetlights!) and she was worried sick something horrible had happened to us. Elisabeth and Janice had and still have one of the greatest mom's I have ever known. She doesn't know it but she has been a role-model for me all these years.

Jackie, the head of the family, was a quiet man. He worked alot and hunted just as much as he worked I think. He was always quick to smile at our antics. I think he was confused by our friendship but he never told his daughter she could not be my friend. He and Sandy, I am sure had their struggles like we all do but when they looked at each other you could see the love that maybe went unsaid between them. A love that never saw in my own home. They could speak to each other without ever saying a word. I always found this fascinating because I think you really have to be connected and in love with someone to have that ability.

This family taught me a life lesson and likely have no idea the impact they have had on my life and I know them well enough to know that is okay with them. They did not teach me this lesson to gain pat on the back or for people to say " look how wonderful they are". They did what they did because they truly loved me for who I was and they love Christ for who He is and wanted to show His love to the world.

You see, Elisabeth and I could not have been more opposite. Talk about Odd Couple!

 I was a child born to an unwed mother, whose choices in life had left me scared and angry. I was an outsider, always looking in, looking to fit in. I dressed, well lets just say interestingly and my hair, oh my....that hair was a source of ridicule and teasing most of my life. I had few friends in school. Most are still my friends to this day. The majority of the kids I attended school with, teased me, treated me like dirt and were less than pleasant to be around if you did not look and act like them. They had no idea the Hell I was in at home. The beating (yes beatings) I endured along with the other abuses to horrible to really talk about. They just knew I was different and that made me a target for their words and actions. Some of those kids grew up and became wonderful people who I am glad to know now. Some are still caught in that cycle of bullying and self-promotion at the expenses of others. I feel bad for them. They lead a sad life. I pray for those people and I thank God for the ones who changed.

I remember going to church with Elisabeth with my head half-shaved, a rat tail down my back and a chip on my shoulder. I did not fit the "Pentecostal" profile at all. I would stand in that pew surrounded by people who looked nothing like me, acted nothing like me and while some of those people I'm sure questioned the Thompson's for bringing me there, the Thompson's never did.

They let me know that Christ loved me no matter what I was wearing, what my back ground was and what demons my past held. They let me know they loved me, so different from their norm but they loved me.

Do you know how they did that? I was not preached at. I was not told I was going to Hell because I didn't dress, act, or look like them. I was not ever turned away from their door for any reason. To this day, I know I can walk up into the carport of that blue house on McGehee St and I will be greeted with loving arms and a big hug. Divorced, remarried, blue-jean wearing, margarita loving me. I know this.

The Thompson family embody Christ and His love. His love for everyone. I know they did not agree with every choice I made in my life. I know that I did things differently than they believe is the right way. I also know that at the end of the day, none of that matters to them. I know that they love me like Christ loved them. Flawed, messy, a little crazy but mostly just a child in need of a loving parent. Which is what I have in God. They live what they believe. I try to do the same.

Why am I telling you all this about my friend and her family? I will tell you why.

With all the drama going around now I think that we have all lost sight of a simple truth. Christ came for all of us. He said to love Him and to love others as He loves us. There were no added conditions to this. None. For that fact alone, I am eternally grateful.

The Thompson family lived their Faith. They stood firm in their beliefs. I saw this with my own eyes. I also saw that even though they believed a certain way, they did not condemn others for not following their path to God. They lived their lives in a way that never compromised their beliefs but that also allowed others to see God through them. Isn't that the whole point, people?

You do not have to agree with a person to love them. You do not have to go along with their life or down their path with them, but you are commanded (yes commanded) to love them.

You cannot expect anyone to feel Christ's love radiate through you and reach those long forgotten places in their hearts if you place conditions on that love. And when you say to someone God loves you BUT, all they hear is what comes after the "but".

Its not "sugar-coating" God's word to love people as they are. Its a door-way. And some people really need to find that doorway that will lead them to God. God will take it from there. It is not our place to judge another or put words in God's mouth. God Himself, through his son, Jesus, said....Wait for it.....L-O-V-E.

I share this with you so that maybe just one of you who reads it will understand that love is the only answer. Love changes people from the inside out. If you want change, love, love everyone. Even the ones who are different than you.

Who knows, nearly 30 years later someone will share how you showing them love changed the course of their life. A seed needs time and tenderness to grow.

I challenge you all to go sow a seed of love today.


Love to you all,

Sandy